Girl Scout Cookies: The Downfall of Mankind

Girl Scouts… Aren’t they supposed to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice?  Well I think that they’re a load of hypocritical bullshit with a secret agenda fueled by evil cookies!

According to Wikipedia, “GSUSA aims to empower girls and to help teach values such as honesty, fairness, courage, compassion, character, sisterhood, confidence, and citizenship.”  Dishonesty comes straight from the top!  Let’s look at what these little demons have to peddle every year:

Now, look at the shit they’re selling you?  The Girl Scouts are supposed to be promoting honesty, compassion, and citizenship.  They’re honestly helping to make the citizens of the United States of America a bunch of fat asses!  Every year when the cookie drive comes around, you see them outside the grocery store, Wal-Mart, and even at your doorstep.

“Mister, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”

If you have any heart, you probably feel an unnecessary urge to buy a box to support the regime of cookie-selling zombies.  Before you know it, you’re reaching into your wallet to buy three boxes of cookies that you don’t even want.  The next thing you know, there are about 25 boxes of these cookies in the break room of your office.  You keep popping a few in your mouth every few hours, and the next thing you know, you’ve put on 10 pounds!  The cookies are good… Damn good.  I love the Tagalongs, or whatever the chocolate covered peanut butter ones are.  So I understand the ease that one can pop them into your mouth until your stomach hurts (and expands uncontrollably).

Wouldn’t you think that the Girl Scouts would be selling healthy, wholesome goods.. instead of making your ass jiggle like a bowl of Jell-O?  If the Girl Scouts, and all that they embody, can’t stand by their mission statement… Then what can we expect from these future leaders of America?

We may be in the midst of the collapse of mankind as we know it.

Related articles

• Some Girl Scouts to sit out cookie sale in protest (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• Girl Scouts might cut back to just the classic cookies. Begin hoarding … now. (popwatch.ew.com)
• Cookie cutbacks! Girl Scouts axe two flavors (money.cnn.com)

Who Is This Guy And Why Is He Offering Me Cologne?!

One of my biggest pet peeves ever is the useless profession of the mens bathroom attendant.  The position is not only pointless but also a direct insult to my intelligence.  I therefore will never tip a restroom attendant.  For years and years (decades even), I have gotten along just fine using the restroom, assistance-free.  Nothing urks me more than

having a feeling of guilt associated with me washing my hands (because I didn’t tip some complete stranger who’s been sitting on a stool next to the shitters all day and saved me from reaching an extra ten inches to dry my hands).  Plus, I already know where everything is: the stalls, toilet, TP, urinals, sink, towels/air-dryers, the door, etc.; it ain’t that difficult.  (I’m a big boy and I handle this little respite from my dinner all on my own, thank you.  I did not solicit you for assistance, sir!)

Have you ever walked into a restroom and you’re the only person in there with the attendant?  It is probably one of the most uncomfortable situations one can imagine; the uncomfortable greeting/forced conversation/awkward fair-thee-wells, him listening to the strength of your stream, and, god forbid, if you have to take a dump, you feel like Tom Arnold and Austin Powers, except you’re the only one dropping logs and he’s gotta sit there and accept that reality (“C’mon buddy, now bite your lip and give it hell!”).

Please, let’s just do away with that guy,  job recession or not.  Have him sell the gum and cologne just outside the door or something.  Just get his fresh-cloth peddling, mouthwash pushing, bell-hop-disguised ass out of the fuckin water closet so I can check my hair out in peace and quiet.

B.

Related articles:

• Pro Tips for Greening Commercial Restrooms (cleantechies.com)
• A call to arms: Reboot the public bathroom (crunchgear.com)
• Potty Parity Finally!! (dvorak.org)
• High-Tech Toilets: Amazing Bathrooms From The Future (PHOTOS) (huffingtonpost.com)

Airbourne – No Guts. No Glory. (8.4/10)

Simply said, Airbourne rocks.  No Guts. No Glory. is fist pumping, feet stomping, beer swilling music of power and glory.  Sure, it’s unmistakable how much their music emulates their fellow Aussie mates, AC/DC.  Grab yourself a copy of No Guts. No Glory. Your fist will be pumpin’ by the first chorus.  Great listening.

Airbourne – No Guts. No Glory. (8.4/10)

Simply said, Airbourne rocks.  No Guts. No Glory. is fist pumping, feet stomping, beer swilling music of power and glory.  Sure, it’s unmistakable how much their music emulates their fellow Aussie mates, AC/DC.  If imitation is the highest form of flattery, then AC/DC must be damn flattered, because Airbourne is a pure carbon copy.

It’s difficult to react objectively to Airbourne’s music, as one can’t get away from the AC/DC references.  Is the music original?  Sure… To the point of the composed song.  Does it sound original?  Not even close.  Do they play infectious, raucous tunes?  Hell yeah.

Grab yourself a copy of No Guts. No Glory. Your fist will be pumpin’ by the first chorus.  Great listening. (And a bad ass album cover too!)

- Train

Related articles:

• AIRBOURNE: New Video Interview Posted Online (idiomag.com)
• AIRBOURNE Interviewed By TOTAL ROCK Radio (idiomag.com)