Who Is This Guy And Why Is He Offering Me Cologne?!

May 26, 2010 by MTT
Filed under Excelsior's Exclamations

One of my biggest pet peeves ever is the useless profession of the mens bathroom attendant. The position is not only pointless but also a direct insult to my intelligence. I therefore will never tip a restroom attendant. For years and years (decades even), I have gotten along just fine using the restroom, assistance-free. Nothing urks me more than

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having a feeling of guilt associated with me washing my hands (because I didn’t tip some complete stranger who’s been sitting on a stool next to the shitters all day and saved me from reaching an extra ten inches to dry my hands). Plus, I already know where everything is: the stalls, toilet, TP, urinals, sink, towels/air-dryers, the door, etc.; it ain’t that difficult. (I’m a big boy and I handle this little respite from my dinner all on my own, thank you. I did not solicit you for assistance, sir!)

Have you ever walked into a restroom and you’re the only person in there with the attendant? It is probably one of the most uncomfortable situations one can imagine; the uncomfortable greeting/forced conversation/awkward fair-thee-wells, him listening to the strength of your stream, and, god forbid, if you have to take a dump, you feel like Tom Arnold and Austin Powers, except you’re the only one dropping logs and he’s gotta sit there and accept that reality (“C’mon buddy, now bite your lip and give it hell!”).

Please, let’s just do away with that guy, job recession or not. Have him sell the gum and cologne just outside the door or something. Just get his fresh-cloth peddling, mouthwash pushing, bell-hop-disguised ass out of the fuckin water closet so I can check my hair out in peace and quiet.